Group, Grief, and Gossip

• March 21, 2024
• Thoughts

“Cầu ít thị phi” translates to “praying for less gossip”. I shared a meme version with this phrase on social media earlier this year but I follow the concept in relevance with my default community, whether or not they realize that paper cannot cover fire.

Whichever way it is sliced, one can only control their own actions and words and hope that others will wake up each day and actively seek out kindness.

Everyone on this planet has their own life to live and with that, come obstacles. To live is to continually find ways to see and feel meaning and joy in everyday activity despite knowing our time here is not permanent. Subconsciously or not, I feel like that is something we are all aware of.

I do not particularly enjoy when trauma and painful experiences are ranked. As a matter of fact, I absolutely despise it. This behavior applies to the flip side too—happiness and success are perceived to be limited so they would get compared and diluted.

The past five years flew by fast for me before I even noticed. Goals were being met, but more importantly, progress was happening, and the highlight of it all was that I felt like I could finally subtract myself from a default community by association that does not serve me. I cannot cherry pick so I had to learn how to adapt while protecting my energy and still stand up myself when no one else will.

However, this worsened last year when my father in-law passed away unexpectedly. I felt like anything having to do with community that hurt me tripled. My sincerity was being questioned because I am “just the daughter in-law”. The worst part? None of that even fucking mattered because bố is no longer with us. Má, my husband, and sister in-law had to say their goodbyes and we only had a few days left with him and that was the only thing that was important to me, but half the people who were present tried to make it a “who is the saddest” competition and borderline heckled me into being a better daughter in-law or was testing to see if I would even take care of má. It got to the point where I muffled my tears whenever it came out which would cause my entire body to shake because I did not feel like I was in a safe space to mourn and above all that, I felt like I needed to step up for my family.

When we had to say our goodbyes to bố, I had to reel it in because I felt like I could not afford to break down – I needed to be there for everyone else… but I just wanted to scream.

During that week and moving forward, I would go home to be alone with my feelings, wake up in tears at least once a month, or suddenly feel them rolling down my cheeks when I am commuting to and from work. I still have not fully grasped the analysis of how I feel, or maybe that is the point, so I am constantly in this state of moving forward but also being conscious as to not deny my feelings. These days I find a little bit of solace in seeing bố visit me in my dreams from time to time and speaking with him during prayers.

You may be wondering what does this unexpected tragedy have to do with gossip and community. After all, grief is unavoidable, everyone goes through varying degrees of obstacles in life, and you cannot please everyone. What is the purpose for writing about this?

People should be able to express their feelings by their own standards and not feel like they need to refrain themselves to make other people comfortable. This extends to diverse personalities as well. Granted, there are gray areas when it comes to community and communication. Perhaps the person in question has done something evidently wrong directed at their community and the “gossip” is a defense line. I guess that is a fair argument but does that justify making the gossiper a good person? Despite the intentions, that particular action is not the solution to how to truly make a harmonious community. In fact, it is adding to the issue. On the other hand, this particular community is not fond of its humans being able to express all of their emotions in life. If they do not limit their expressions to only the externally perceived happy feeling, that person would be modernly ostracized and exiled, because heaven forbids a human feeling grief and anger.

Some would try to argue that it is not about the person’s emotions but it is about how they express it. Sure—there are plenty of cases for that. However, I am referring to a civil conversation between two people who happen to disagree on a topic or how they make a decision. Sides do not need to be taken because there were differing opinions. More importantly, if the bond is truly strong, a natural and unavoidable argument (especially if it was one disagreement) would not be able to bulldoze the entire foundation of that relationship. Belittling, pulling numbers, or speaking badly about that person after the fact does not help that relationship—and maybe that is their intention to begin with—it simply shows who can manage conflict and it attests to how genuine that relationship truly is behind closed doors.